wagon in sight

Well, I did a lot of the things I wanted to do yesterday: the goodies are in the garage fridge, I drank more water than I had been, I exercised, and I chose more fruits and veggies. Here's what I didn't do: I didn't journal. And if I'm not writing down what I'm eating, I seem to eat ad infinitum. Why I don't journal is a mystery. Because I'm more content when I journal. I'm more satisfied. I'm less hungry. But sometimes I act like a spoiled brat, determined to do it my way even if it kills me. (Or at least increases me.)

So my goal for today is to write down what I eat, no matter the cost. I'll just write it down. If I go over my points target, so be it. If I use up the entire month's flex points, well alright. I'm just going to write it down anyway.

That's my goal. That's how I'll decrease.
Aileen

stupid wagon

When I fall off the wagon, it's never because of a massive wreck. It's generally a more lengthy process than that. Like the wagon starts to swerve, but I hang on; it tilts and I almost get dumped, but don't. This goes on for a day or so, the swerves becoming more decisive, the tilts becoming more radical. Then one day I look up and dang if the wagon isn't way up ahead with me sprawled out on the road behind it.

It all started, this time, with the Annual Cookie Bake I do with my kids. I did okay on that day and on the next. Still, having Christmas cookies all over my house--not to mention left-over icing--is never a good thing. But this last week was exam/papers due dates week. I was a tad stressed. Me stressed + Christmas goodies? Disaster.

So today, I've got some decisions to make. Do I get back on the wagon or do I let it keep bumping along the road? In order to catch it, I need to move the Christmas treats out of the kitchen fridge and down to the garage fridge. I need to choose fruits and veggies, not chocolate and candy. I need to eat three meals, and not substitute one or two with junk.

Will I catch that wagon today? We'll see. If I do, I'll be back on the road to decreasing.

Aileen

I'm a 10 (point 5.)

Today is weigh-in day and I'm down 10.5 pounds. Woot! Woot!

I have been in so many Weight Watchers meetings and listened to people talk about their success. Inevitably, someone in the room asks, "What's your secret?" I hold my breath. I cross my fingers. Maybe this time . . .

But 999 times out of 1000, the successful one says some variation of, "Well, I've been eating right and exercising."

Shoot! Uggh! Not again.

That's no secret. Everybody knows that. I want a SECRET. I want a magic pill. A special potion. Anything. But don't make me eat right and exercise. Geez.

Throughout high school and college, my best friend was a guy named Mark Harris. I went to Campbell and Mark went to some technical college in a little town called Chapel Hill. (And that did not end our friendship: a statement of how much I like this guy.) Our freshman year, he called one day sounding upset. His parents were elderly, so I was immediately concerned that something had happened to his dad.

"Aileen, I've got terrible news."
"What's wrong Mark?"
"Well, I've just learned the truth about," (my heart was thumping; what could it be?) "weight loss."
"Weight loss?"
"Yes and it's not good."
"We're talking about weight loss?"
"Right. Are you ready?"
"Now that I know your parents aren't dead, I suppose so."
"There is only one way to lose weight. And you have to" (gulp, pause, deep breath), "eat right and exercise. That's the only way to lose weight and keep it off."

Well now I could see why he was so upset. Could the news be any worse?

But over the years, I've found that Mark, despite his limited collegiate education, was right. (Mark, by the way, majored in Chemistry, went on to Cornell for his PhD and is now chairman of the Chem dept. at the university where he teaches.I guess he should know something about calorie burning.)

And the past few weeks have proven his statement true once again: eat right, exercise, and excess weight begins to dissolve.

I'm sorry I don't have a magic pill. Wish I did. What I do have is a commitment to decrease--one right choice at the time.

Decreasing doubt, Increasing health,
Aileen

100 Calories? You're kidding!

Bob reminded Amanda that unconscious calories count. Amanda replied, nodding, "Like when I grab a handful of cereal." Bob said, "Yeah, that's 100 calories right there."

Shut your mouth.

Bob--as you probably know--is one of the trainers on The Biggest Loser. Amanda is one of the 4 semi-finalists. Amanda is 19 or 20 and has fought obesity her whole life. She's doing great, but she's struggling with the daily demands of real world eating.

So I'm watching this "reality" (yeah right) TV show and I'm blown away. I'm thinking, no flipping way! I shove a handful of cereal into my mouth several times a day. 100 calories?! Be real.

Being me, I had to get proof. (Not that I don't love ya Bob, if you're reading . . .) I figured I could get about a fourth of a cup of cereal into my hand on a quick grab. Now 1/4 cup is NOT 100 calories--at least not on any of the cereal boxes I checked. So shame on you Bob for exaggerating. (Amanda and I are about the same size now so I guess her hands hold about as much cereal as mine do.)

But a handful is probably 50 calories. Seeing that in print, I don't want to believe it. So let's go 35. Yeah, that's better. Okay, 35 calories in a handful of cereal. Take that and multiply it by the number of handfuls per day. YIKES! Shoot. That's where the 100 calories (okay, "plus") comes in. Bob may have exaggerated on the one (wait for it) hand, but on the other, he was right on target. I could easily consume 100 uncounted calories in cereal.

Shut my mouth.

An "Aha" moment. An epiphany. A dadgum shame.

Guess I better start keeping up with my handfuls, huh? That is, if I want to decrease.

Increasing Eating Awareness, Decreasing Mindless Consumption,
Aileen

December 1

Internet. I have a love/hate relationship with it. Lately, I've not been loving it as my access at home has been limited.

I'm back--if only for a moment.

It's December and I'm back on track after the Thanksgiving holiday. I actually managed to avoid gaining--a great thing. But dadgum-it, now I am facing a month long holiday. Everywhere I turn, food stares me in the face. UGGH! And we're not talking about brussel sprouts and broccoli here. Truffles, cookies, pies, candy, candy, candy. The GOOD stuff, not the good-for-you stuff.

The other thing is, I get stressed around this time of year: house needs decorating, overscheduling, exams. It's so intense. And I have a tendency to use food to handle stress. Not a good combination: stress and ever-present goodies.

So what should I do? For one thing, I need to find alternate ways to handle stress.
Also, I need to reduce the stress in my life by eating right and exercising (both great stress relievers for me). But most importantly, I have to remember that I don't have to handle this whole month at one time. I only have to face one day at a time, and I do that all year round anyway.

If I can just remember my own survival plan, the whole holiday should be a piece of . . . fruit(?)

Decreasing a little at a time,
Aileen

Subsequent Chances

I've been hearing a lot lately about Second Chances. I don't know why that topic keeps popping up, but I'll take it as a reminder that we all need another chance in life. For me, at least in the weight management game, my second chance was used up long ago. I'm on my umpteenth chance.

Take this Thanksgiving, for example. Today I had to start over again, making choices that benefit my health rather than detract from it. Subsequent chance #Somethingth.

But I did start over. I did make right choices. And tomorrow morning I'm going to get up and do it again.

I'm reminding myself: it's a journey, not a destination. I want to stay on the journey, even if I take nonproductive side trips occasionally.

I must decrease,
Aileen

Thanksgiving.

For the last 11 Thanksgiving Days, my family has travelled to be with our friends-like-family, the Averitts. We watch movies, tell funny stories, relive the memories of previous years, have lots of fun, and make lots of pie. We make lots and lots of pie. This year's confections included pumpkin, apple, chocolate (I think we made three), and pecan. We also made buckeyes. Oh and cookies. Ummm Ummm Good!

In the beginning of the week, I did great: exercising, choosing veggies, drinking lots of water. But then, I'll confess, the temptation got the better of me and my resolve started to fade. I made the kind of choices I always live to regret.

What I don't regret though are making the memories I've made. I've enjoyed time with my loved ones. I've laughed a lot. These things I've done right.

So I messed up with food choices the last couple of days. I guess, in the end, I'd rather mess up with food than with people. Best at this point to forgive myself for my faults and move forward: away from mistakes and into success.

Tomorrow is a new day. Back to POINT-counting tomorrow.

And back to decreasing,
Aileen

Biggest Loser Musings

Last night on the Biggest Loser, the contestants discussed the difficulty of following a healthy lifestyle away from the Biggest Loser Ranch. They spoke of fear, uncertainty, insecurity. They all expressed how sure they were that they would never gain the weight back, but their confidence was tainted by the questions.

No kidding.

It is hard. It is hard when you don't have two trainers and a host of personal chefs. It is hard when you don't have a team of support there for you 24/7. It is hard when America is not watching every move you make.

I don't envy these folk, because I know how hard it is for me. Every part of me wants to give in to the temptations that call to me. I want to eat dessert for breakfast, cookies for lunch, and cheesecake for supper. I don't want to exercise; I want to surf the internet, read books, talk to friends.

But in the end, it is not about what we want to do. It is about what is right. I know that it is not right to wallow in my bad habits. It is right to honor the health I've been given and to work to maintain that health by adopting a lifestyle that reflects gratitude not gluttony. That's what is right.

But it is hard. Very hard.

Trying to increase good habits and decrease bad ones,
Aileen

Exercise and the Daily Shower

This morning, my husband took our two oldest children to play tennis. They played for an hour, or an hour & a half. When they came home, they took showers and I went with my youngest to ride bikes. When we'd been gone about 30 minutes, my son called, wanting to join us on the ride. So, moments later, he met us, riding a scooter. Later he went swimming. Finally, this evening he played basketball.

Did you get the part in the middle though? He took a shower! He exercised, took a shower, then he exercised even more.

Me, I exercise then take my shower. If I've already taken said shower, there's no work-out for me. Can't. Already took my shower. But my son didn't worry about that. He simply took a shower after playing tennis, then played some more. Because for my son, exercise and play are the same.

Imagine if he'd been me. This is how the morning would have gone. Plays tennis, takes shower. Has opportunity to ride scooter. "Sorry, I've already taken my shower; can't go ride the scooter."

Later.

"Wanna go swimming?"

"Nope, already took my shower."

Later.

"Wanna shoot baskets?"

"Nope, I would, but I already, ya know, took my shower."

Instead, he threw caution to the wind, and had fun despite the fact that he'd bathed once. And look how much fun he had.

That's what I need to do. Have fun exercising. And then have even more fun.

Cause doing that, I will decrease.

Aileen

Holiday Tips #2

During the holidays, I need calorie erasers. I always plan to make good choices, but often the sweets get the better of me. I know of two really effective erasers.

One is water. The more water I drink, the more fat my body burns. I read this somewhere, but before that, I found that drinking water seemed to make a huge difference in maintaining or losing weight. It's not just that the more water I drink, the less I eat. It is not just that often I am more thirsty than hungry and so once my thirst need is met, I don't want to eat anymore. It's all that, and a little bit more. Somehow, drinking the right amount of water helps me lose unwanted pounds.

Another (duh) is exercise. My husband is a skinny man. (You marry a person. . .think they're going to change. . .) When he overeats (and occasionally he does) he exercises more. Why? Because he's consumed more calories than normal, so he burns more calories than normal. (Skinny people. Who can figure them out?)

So that's what I'm working towards:

Increased exercise and water intake, decreased me,
Aileen

Holiday Helpers #1

Holiday food choices. Make you nervous? Yep, me too.

Here's what I tell myself to help me make the right decisions.

Eat right, because it is right. Exercise, because it's right to exercise. If you lose weight too, that's just an extra benefit. But Eat Right. . .because it is right. (The point: healthful eating is self rewarding. I must claim that reward long before I step on the scale.)

Waste is waste. Whether I put it leftovers in the trash or put them in my mouth when
my body doesn't need food, I am still wasting food. I should not treat my body like a garbage can: if I don't need the food, it IS being wasted.

The feeling of being stuffed does not make a good holiday memory. A game of football with the kids plays back much better.

Making good choices during the six-eight weeks of holiday eating helps me enjoy making memories. Plus there's the extra benefit:

I will decrease,
Aileen

Liar, Liar, the Scale's a Liar

My scale has been lying to me all week. It says I've not been eating right and exercising. It says I'm actually gaining weight. It says I'm a failure.

But that's just ridiculous. I have been eating right. I have been exercising. I have been successful this week. The scale just doesn't realize it.

I know that I've succeeded. I know that I've felt better this week. I know that I've made better choices.

So why do I find myself listening to the scale? It doesn't have the brain, I do. So why do I let it intimidate me? Why do I let it rule my feelings?

I guess because the number on the scale has affected my sense of self-worth all my life. Even though I'm (chronologically at least) all grown up now, I become a 13 year old girl the minute my feet hit the scale. I become defined--at least for a moment--by that number.

But that is a choice I'm making isn't it? I can choose to believe a hunk of metal that tells me I'm a failure. Or, I can believe the truth: the truth I know, the truth I lived, the truth that's real.

Increasing truth, decreasing falsehood,
Aileen

Working Out, Having Fun

Today someone sent me a video of a 92 year old woman dancing the salsa. She was amazing! I watched her twisting and turning, sashaying and step-ball-changing, and thought, I want to be just like her when I grow up.

I spent about 1&1/2 hours in the gym today--half cardio/half weights. It was a great work-out, but not nearly so much as doing the salsa. Still, I had fun because of my work-out partner; I'll call her TraciD. (mainly 'cuz that's her name but also to distinguish her from the other Traci, my life-friend, who most people who know me would assume I was referring to if I said "Traci." Did you get that?) So anyway, TraciD and I work-out together and because we do, what would be boring and frustrating becomes fellowship. We laugh, we catch-up, we complain about exercise. Gotta love it.

I've prayed for a work-out partner for years. No kidding. So this one day TraciD & I were both in the gym; I noticed she was lifting about the same as I was on the machines. She didn't look particularly scary, so I said, "Hey, wanna be my work-out partner," or something like that. For some reason, she didn't complain to the management about my stalking her but took me up on my offer. We've been working out ever since--about six months now.

Well, not EVER since. We have conflicts and we don't always make it to the gym. We get bored with one thing and try something different. But the main thing is, we are in this together. For me, it makes all the difference. Hey, maybe we'll try doing the salsa next.

Increasing movement, Decreasing girth,
Aileen

Becoming

Biggest Loser. Do you watch it? I admit, I'm hooked. Watch it every week, and can't wait to see the next episode. (pathetic.)

As much as I am motivated and inspired by the competitors stories, there is one thing that concerns me. Each week, I hear someone say "I'm becoming the person that I always wanted to be." Hmmm. I wonder, does the contestant mean, "I'm becoming skinny and that's what I've always wanted to be." Or does the contestant mean, "I'm getting in touch with what caused these problems to begin with, I'm dealing with them, and because of that, I'm able to be my very best self." Some of them, I'm sure, would say the second idea is what they had in mind. Too many--stars of reality TV shows and real live people too--believe that the number on a scale is the key to contentment.

I believe "becoming" is so much more than weight. It's true: my weight issues often prevent me from focusing on the things that could help me become my truest self. But getting to a certain weight won't make me a better Aileen. Plus, numbers are typically unreliable and notoriously inconsistent.

So what does help me become my best self? First, I think staying on the journey to better health becomes me. It becomes me physically, but also emotionally, spiritually, and otherwise. Second, for me, is realizing that it is a journey--a journey without a final destination. It's a joy ride: a life-long joy ride to better health. There is no number waiting for me out there some where at life's finish line. I'm just making healthful choices, checking out the scenery as I go.

So, I'm not going to become a contestant on some reality TV show so I can become the person I've always wanted to be. I'm going to travel the road of life, one healthy choice at a time. I think that becomes me.

Decreasing self, increasing health,
Aileen

Me & You

This is my 30th post. Wow. I'm sort of impressed with myself. Yay me.

Today I was talking to my sister-in-law Kim about my efforts to decrease. "I think it's just clicked with me this time," I told her. "I don't know why or how, but for some reason, I'm doing it this time." But in truth, I do know why. It's this. It's this blog. It's the only thing I'm doing that is different than what I've done before.

But it is not the writing. I write all the time. (No seriously, I write a lot.) It's you. See, I feel like we're in this together. I feel like you are out there cheering me on and I'm here cheering you on. We're a team. We're working towards the same goals.

And I know, sometimes you aren't working as hard as you should to live a more disciplined life. Sometimes I'm not either. But we're still traveling together on this journey. And for me, that makes the journey worth taking. Thanks for coming along.

Right here with you, decreasing along the way,
Aileen

Raking up Points

I spent a little time looking around the weightwatchers.com site today, particularly the activity section. I tend to do the same activity over and over so I thought I'd see what other things were out there. Well, about that time, my husband started raking the yard. I checked and sure enough, raking was included. In twenty minutes I could earn an activity point, so I figured, why not be the good wife and earn an extra cheeto while I was at it.

Well, let me just tell you: you can not rake the yard in 20 minutes. So, two hours later. . .YES! Two dadgum hours later I came in having earned myself a whopping 7 activity points. (And not a few brownie points for being a good little helper.)Plus I drank 32 ounces of water whilst doing the job--another benefit.

Hey, it's not Dance, Dance, Revolution, but it counts, and the yard looks pretty good if I do say so myself.

Doing what it takes to decrease,
Aileen

Success Immeasurable

Today is weigh-in day and I lost one pound. Not a great result, but not bad: That's 8 pounds in 3 weeks. I'd hoped for 9. But oh well. As my friend Joanna says, "It's nice to see the numbers going in the other direction." So true. So true.

Don't you think, though, that we should take our eyes off of the scale? I could count this week a success for so many reasons.

I didn't quit.
I drank lots of water.
I exercised when I would have preferred to nap.
I ate more fruits and veggies than I did three weeks ago.
Overall, I made health-focused choices.

That's success. . .no matter what the scale says. And what the scale says is really irrelevant. Sometimes--I know you've had it happen to you--the scale lies. It lies flat out. It says, "You fatso! You have not done one thing right this week!" And I try to talk back to it saying, "Yes I did too! I did the same things I did last week only I exercised more and made more right choices!" But the scale doesn't even listen. It doesn't even care. Stupid scale.

So, let's start this report over.

Today is weigh-in day. I had a very successful week and I lost a pound. I guess you could say I'm decreasing, huh?

Aileen

Stressed spelled backwards

My number one first reaction to stress is to reach for the sweets. I mean, I'm half-way into a half-gallon of ice cream before I know I've even begun. And the thing is, it works. I always feel better when I'm eating sweets (maybe for you it is chips; fill in the blank). It's true: sweets really are like my very own Balm of Gilead. The problem is, the effect is temporary. Still for that minute, I really do feel better: a whole lot better. My heart rate slows down. My worries flit out of my mind, and I feel myself relax. And for just a little bit, as the ice creams melts in my mouth and slides down my throat, the stress is melted too.

Until it comes back.

When it comes back though, it looks different than it did before. Now it looks more like disappointment, loss of control, failure. Now, instead of saying, "Whoa, this is really an aggravating situation," I find myself saying, "Whoa, you are a really bad person." The stress turns to self-loathing and the original problem remains.

So what can I do about this? How can I stop myself from turning to my drug of choice? Well, for one thing, I can do just that. I can stop. Stop and think. And that's what it takes to change a bad habit. Awareness.

Once I stop, then I have some choices to make. What might actually reduce my stress instead of making it (in the long run) worse?

Eating right makes me feel good over time, but it doesn't always have immediate results. Plus, eating to handle stress is still eating to handle stress, no matter what the menu happens to be. So what are my other options?

Exercise makes me feel good over time and it usually has fairly immediate results. But sometimes I can't just stop what I'm doing and go to a fitness class. I can usually take a short walk though. So that's a possibility.

Calling a friend reduces stress for me almost always and usually instantly. So, depending on the circumstances and the time of day, I could probably call a friend to help me through the rough spot.

Deep breathing is good. That I can do anywhere and anytime with immediate results.

And if I'm home, I have two furry people I can spend time with. My beagle (my heartbeat) reduces stress for me all the time. Just looking at him makes me smile, making my burdens easier to bear. And our guinea pig is another joy bringer. I could take her out of her condo-cage and give her some QT for all the cuteness she brings to us. The furry ones are real relaxers for me. Plus, I'm not putting food in my mouth when I'm lovin' up on my pets.

Do you use food inappropriately like I do? We've got to stop that. It's not okay at all. Food is a gift that strengthens and nourishes our bodies and offers us great pleasure. But it is not a drug. It should not be used as a sedative. It's not a pacifier and we aren't children. We can think of ways to alleviate our stress without using food. I know we can. What do you do? Leave a comment and let me know.

Using food appropriately. That's just one more way that I can begin to decrease.
Aileen

Water anyone?

Did you know I was a Weight Watchers leader for three years? I did about 5-8 meetings a week and absolutely loved it. Then, my husband went to Iraq for 4 months (we didn't know how long he'd be there when he left), the kids were still very young, and we felt it best for me to stay home with them rather than be all over town doing Weight Watchers meetings.

One thing I have always loved about Weight Watchers are the guidelines for healthy living. There're are eight of them--at least there were when I was a leader and I don't think that's changed.

Among the guidelines is drinking water. Today, the recommended amount is 6 8-oz glasses daily. I always try to drink 8 though because when I first started Weight Watchers that was the recommendation. Sometimes I drink even more, because the more water I drink, the better I feel. And more importantly, the better choices I make with my food.

What's that you say? Ah-hah, I hear you now: "Well that's nice, Aileen, but the more water I drink, the more I have to run to the potty and I just don't have time for all that!" Alright, alright. Settle down. First of all, that is really more of a temporary side effect. Once your body gets used to drinking water, you'll be able to manage the potty trips a little better. But here's the main thing: don't you want your body to eliminate wastes? Come on now. This is a good thing.

So here's to increasing our water intake. . .so we can decrease.

Cheers!
Aileen

Doing the Right Thing

I don't like eating right. I really don't. If it were left up to me, I'd eat crackers and candy and that's all. Shocked? Sorry.

I get tired of all this thinking and planning. Besides, it totally goes against my nature to plan ahead. I have to really, really work at it.

But it all comes down to the same rule: just because I don't like doing it doesn't mean it isn't right to do it. Did you get that? Let me say it another way. Not liking something does not give me a free pass. For example, since I'm being candid here, I don't like to brush my teeth. Nope, I don't. I'd rather go to bed without the extra trouble of scrubbing the dentims. It's true. But I brush my teeth anyway! Why? Because I don't like the result of not brushing them. So, I brush them whether I want to or not. Period, the end.

Some of the results of not eating right are horrific. Excess weight is just a minor side effect. Heart disease, diabetes, some kinds of cancer, hypertension, all these are linked to dietary concerns. As much as I don't like eating right, I don't like disease even more.

So it's probably best I just get over it and do what's right.

Because I must decrease,
Aileen

Thanks Readers!

I'm having such great feedback from all of you out there and appreciate it so much. I see you on facebook, in class, and at the hair dressers, and I always love knowing that you read the blogs (my other one is "Aileen Goes On. . .and on" and is about life in general). Thanks for leaving feedback and for your comments. Love all that too.

So I didn't drop as many eggs today. I've been pretty stressed out though so I didn't make my best choices either. Why am I stressed, you say? Because I have a Hebrew test next week, a paper due, and a sermon to preach in preaching class. Plus a big test in another class and more coming up the next week. I've allowed myself to procrastinate once again and that frustrates me. Becoming frustrated with myself makes me want to feel better. Chocolate chip cookies, ice cream or cheesecake always makes me feel better. But not for long. . .

Better, in the end, to study. To prepare. To stop slapping myself and start hitting the books. Better not to wallow in self disgust but to dig deeper into my studies. Those are real solutions. The rest is a waste of time at best and downright destructive at worst.

So, onto another day. . . making an attempt to decrease not just in pounds but in self-absorption.

Aileen

The good, the not-so-good, and the good-looking

Today is weigh-in day and I lost two pounds. If you're counting, that's 7 pounds in 2weeks. Thus, 3.5 pounds a week. That's not bad, huh? Nope, cuz that's the good.

The not-so-good is that I went a little crazy with my choices tonight. It all started at lunchtime. I made a mistake I often make. I didn't eat until long after lunchtime was gone. By then, I was beyond hungry and in no mood to wait even for the microwave to heat up my lunch. See, I'd much rather rip open a package of something (Nabs, cereal bars, trail mix, that stuff) than prepare anything.

(Prepare, for those of you confused by this terminology, refers to anything more extensive than said ripping of package. Therefore, putting a frozen meal in the microwave and waiting 4 minutes=Prepare. Putting lettuce and veggies--precut of course--between two slices of storebought bread = Prepare. Got it?)

How could I have remedied this problem? Well, by preparing my lunch at a time when I was NOT so hungry that I could have eaten the guinea pig--if, of course, she had already been packaged. Then, my sandwich would have been, well, in a package ready to rip open. That is one solution. Another is to have eaten earlier--perhaps, and this is just a thought, when my body told me it was hungry.

But here's one more possibility. What if I'd let my mistakes at lunch go and then gotten right back on track by dinner time? Then, I'd have made good choices for dinner and would be making a different report now. Instead, I do that thing that I do sometimes (I know others who suffer from the same nasty habit). I became an egg-dropper.

Don't know what an egg-dropper is? Imagine you are baking a cake or about to scramble an egg (it's your egg, do what you want with it). The egg slips from your hands and crashes to the floor. What do you do?

Of course! You clean it up (some of you call the dog, I know, but do get the shells up first) and get out another egg. What you don't do is get out the whole dozen and throw them one by one onto the floor saying, "Well that's it. I've dropped one egg, I might as well drop them all. (crash) I'm an egg-dropper. (crash, crash) I always have been. My mama was an egg dropper (crash) and her mama (crash) before her (crash, crash). Plus, my environment (crash) doesn't make it any easier (crash) because the floor (crash) is so hard! (crash)"

Nope, we clean up the broken egg, get out a new egg, and move on. Today, I should have done that at lunch. "Oops. Made some bad choices there. Whoa. Better clean that mess up and move on." Instead, I threw down another half-dozen mistakes or more, acting like I didn't have any choice in the matter.

My daddy calls that stinkin-thinkin. Daddy didn't put up with stinkin-thinkin.

So, tomorrow is a new day. It looks like it will be one good-looking day. A good day to make good choices. A good day to get some exercise. A good day to move on.

Decreased a little more,
Aileen

Proverbial Honey

So I'm reading along in the word of God today and I came upon this verse, "If you have found honey, eat only enough for you, or else, having too much, you will vomit it." (Proverbs 25:16) That's scripture! Dang.

I think about how many times I've come upon (proverbial) honey and eaten enough for me and a small African village. It's no wonder I've been figuratively, if not literally, vomitting.

Yet what speaks to me at a deeper level is that even in ancient times, people had to be reminded not to gorge themselves on sweets. This is good news for me because it means I'm not completely pathetic. Clearly, this is a centuries-old problem. Maybe I'm not a total loss. Maybe I can in fact decrease after all.

Keeping my hands out of the honey jar,
Aileen

Day by Day. . .

Today I finally got in a good work-out. My exercise partner and I have had clashing schedules and I've had company so I've just not gotten it done for about 2 weeks. But we got to the gym today. . .at last! I did 30 mins on the treadmill and then another 45 minutes of weights. It was good to be back.

Tomorrow, I should be able to exercise also, and Friday too. Plus, if all goes as planned, Saturday should provide an opportunity for a work-out as well.

This finding time to work-out thing is new for me since for years I was paid to work-out as a group fitness instructor. Now I still teach group fitness, but to senior adults so I don't really get much of a work-out. When I went back to grad school this time, something had to go, so I decreased my teaching responsibilites considerably. Now I really have to make it a priority to work-out or it just doesn't happen.

And boy am I good at excuses. No time. Too tired. Too cold. Too hot. Too busy. Too sweaty. Too flabby. (You've got the picture, no? Go ahead, say "eww.")

Exercise is so important, though, for my overall health. It's just silly that I scratch up reasons to avoid it. Well, silly, and LAZY. And stupid: if I really want to live to be 100, I better exercise for longevity's sake.

So, I have a plan for the next three days anyway. Planning: That's what it's going to take to increase the liklihood of exercise actually happening. Thus, I may actually decrease not just in pounds but in inches too.

Feeling the burn whether I want to or not,
Aileen

Cafeteria Style Control

You will absolutely NOT believe this. But I'm telling you true, honest to goodness. Are you ready? Get this: you can go to a buffet/cafeteria and not overeat. I'm NOT kidding!

Here's what I did today. I've been avoiding our school cafeteria because, ohmyheavens, you pay one price for everything. Everything means pizza, burgers, fries, potato bar, sandwich bar, cereal selection, dessert bar (not the sahara kind), ice cream freezer full of choices AND a soft serve ice cream machine. Sin City, USA! So I've stayed out of there for the last couple of weeks. (Did I mention the sweets?)

But today I was in a hurry and I didn't have a lot of options. So, I took myself over to the cafeteria, paid the one-price-for-everything, and (here's the key) asked for a to-go plate.

Now at this point, it would have been nice if Miss Frieda, the sweet lady who took my money, could have given me a high five, a "way-to-go," or at least a pat on the back. No such luck. So, feel free to high five yourself on my behalf.

I took my portion-controlled plate, fixed a green salad, made a tomato sandwich on high-fiber bread, got some jello and a couple of apples, and poured myself a diet coke. Bingo! Buffet success.

Also today, several people told me they were reading my blog. You better believe I'm feeling pretty good about the day overall--but don't worry, I'm not getting the big head. Because really,

I must decrease. . .
Aileen

Do You, Aileen, Take you, Change, For Better or Worse?

I've always thought that with any life change, there's a bit of a honeymoon stage: That early stage of change when the whole thing is a bit romantic. And, while it's true that I've married and divorced Weight Watchers or some other healthy lifestyle many times before, I do feel a bit like I am on the honeymoon once again.

In this stage, Change flirts with me, prancing around, looking its absolute best. "Oh look at Change!" I find myself thinking, "Change is such a cutie!" And I just can't get enough of Change. I want to read books about Change, practice habits that will help me experience Change to the fullest, cook Change's favorite foods. We're in love, Change and I. It's magical.

But while we are yet on our honeymoon, I find myself looking at Change when Change doesn't know I'm watching. I watch to see if Change . . . changes. Because it always happens, it does. The romance is going great. I'm loving Change, Change is loving me. And then (I never quite know how or when) Change starts to look a little older, I get tired of picking out books that agree with Change, doing what Change requires of me, and heaven knows I get tired of all the cooking Change expects.

And the honeymoon is over. And I can't really remember what it was I liked about Change in the first place. . .

This time, I'm trying to go into this relationship with my heart wide open, and my head clearly focused. Change is not always romantic, but Change makes a great life-mate. Romance is temporary. I want a life-time commitment.

Loving Change, for better or worse,
and trying to decrease a bit a long the way,
Aileen

Using Food Inappropriately: Not just for fat folk

My mother has a skinny friend who stops eating when she is depressed. Stops. Doesn't eat. Quits. No food. This can go on for days.

Me, when I'm feeling low, all I can think about is what I can eat. It doesn't have to be all that good either. Grocery Outlet or Cheesecake Factory: makes no difference. As long as I can keep the food coming.

But you know what? I think both the skinny chick and I are using food inappropriately to handle our frustrations. I overeat, bringing temporary satisfaction and long-lasting health problems related to obesity. Skinny Chick under-eats, bringing temporary satisfaction and long-lasting health problems related to starvation. Neither of us is dealing with our problems appropriately.

The thing is, in this culture you. . . well. . .you look better if you're too thin, than if you're too fat. You do. I'm sorry and I don't mean that exactly. Truth is, society--America of the everylasting food supply (that society)--tells us we look better when we are thin. So we begin to think that eating too much to deal with problems is worse than starving ourselves to deal with our issues. Well that's just silly. Because food is not therapy. Food is not a self-help program. And most importantly to me, Food is not God.

Both my mother's friend and I reached out for control and we found it in our diet. The friend controlled her diet in one unhealthy way, and I control my diet in another. What if, instead, we both relinquished control? What if we gave up?

That is, what if we decided control was just an idea, not really a state of being? What if we realized that control is like perfection--an unatainable goal? I think if we did that, we could both make more healthful choices regarding our diet. More importantly, I think we could both learn more heart-healthy ways to cope with life.

And then maybe, just maybe, God would increase, and I would decrease.
Aileen

Eating Right, Despite . . .

Halloween is hard. I do love me some candy. Plus, I've had company this week which somehow makes it harder. But, even with the occasional "fun size" bar, I've managed to make better choices over all.

I'm not sure what is helping me to do that. Definitely the daily blog (well, except for yesterday but it was Halloween afterall) is a huge motivator. Also, I just think I truly am more satisfied with right choices than with wrong ones. Now, I have to keep reminding myself of that because when the chocolate calls, it's hard not to listen (see my blog "Aileen Goes On" for a related story but excuse the gibbly goop in the type. Who knows. . .).

So, another day, another apple. Another week, another opportunity to make the right decisions.

Decreasing,
Aileen

One more thing

I just added up all my points for the day as best i could. I may have been off a little, but I think i came pretty close. (Carrabbas is not listed on the ww website.) And WHOA! What a lot of points. But I wrote it down. How 'bout that? I usually have no idea how much I eat. This I have to count as success. I wrote it down. That's major. Now, I don't have many flex points left for the (ahem) WHOLE DADGUM WEEK. . . but that's okay. I was honest and aware today. Wow. If that's not success. . .well, I don't know what is.

Keeping my eyes wide open, watching myself decrease--in more ways than one.
Aileen

2nd Chances

This i know: messing up one day does not a failure make. Today was Jay's birthday. My parents are here. We celebrated by going to Carrabbas. I don't know how many points i had: too many for sure. But I made the best choices i could from the menu and brought some home for tomorrow--because there is a tomorrow, regardless of the bad choices I made today.

Counting points and moving on. Forgiving myself and starting again. That's what skinny people do. That's what i'm doing. And over time, I will decrease. I will.

Aileen

Decreased

First week--down 5 pounds. Not a bad start. That leaves 35 for the rest of the journey. For some reason, 35 sounds a lot more reasonable, a lot more attainable than 40. But then, maybe that's because i just survived the first week and it's starting to feel possible.

On to week two then.
Decreased by a bit,
Aileen

Week 1: Complete

I've finished my first week on Weight Watchers online and I feel good about my progress. I could have done better for sure. But I could have done much, much worse.

I know because I had been doing much worse. I'd been eating like I had no sense: cookies, candy, 2nds & 3rds. Eating way too much of my favorites, but also too much of things I don't love. Unconscious, mindless, can't-seem-to-stop-myself, eating. Crazy.

It's a telling thing that poverty runs rampant in this country, leaving many Americans starving, while way too many people, like me, choose to use food inappropriately, thereby gaining excessive weight. Why the dichotomy? Where's the middle ground? It makes me sad when I realize that I'm part of the problem. I'm part of the reason the middle ground is lost.

But I don't have to stay in the extreme, do I? Choices. For me, it's all about choices. I can choose to make decisions that benefit my health. People who are starving do not have the latitude that I have. Because I can do what is right, I must do what is right.

Tomorrow I start week two. And if I eat right and exercise, I'm guessing that I will in fact decrease.

Aileen

PS Would love your comments--just so I know you are out there. :)

Are you out there?

So i'm curious. Anybody reading? 'Course maybe it's best I don't know because it's best for me to think people are reading--makes me feel accountable. So, if no one comments, I'm going to pretend you just want to remain annonymous. But if you are there, leave me a comment, K?

Trying to increase followers while I decrease self,
Aileen

Just not that easy. . .

I wish it were easy, I really do. But for me, it's not. Maybe it is for some people, but it is not for me.

The thing is, though, just because it is hard does not mean I should quit. Too many times I do quit because it's hard, or because I don't like it, or because I would just rather not. But that's just silly, isn't it? Because life is hard. I can't quit because the going gets rough, I just can't.

So, I'm not quitting. I'm taking it day by day, meal by meal, moment by moment. And by doing that, I think I might just decrease.

Aileen

Close Call

Again I'm amazed. By increasing my water intake and my intake of 0 point veggies, I've been able to make it through the day, adding just a couple of flex points to my total. And I didn't die or anything. Who knew? And get this: I've been laying off the desserts. (By the way, I can't stand spelling that word 'cuz I always think I'm wrong. Let's establish right now that I don't eat sand of any sort.) So anyway, I'm cutting way back on sweets and that hasn't killed me either. Whoa. This is all news to me. Really, really good news.

I'm betting this might help me decrease.
Aileen

Disappearing Points

YIKES! It's only 3:46 and my points are disappearing at a rapid rate. I've been extra sleepy today and have battled the fatique with milk-laden coffee and light, but frequent snacks. Gonna have to watch it to make today a success.

Better start drinking gallons of water and eating lots of 0-points foods if I'm going to decrease.

Aileen

A New Day, A New Challenge

Started off great--hearty breakfast of light English muffin with egg/egg white, and a tablespoon of shredded cheese: only 3.5 points! Had an apple at 10:30 when I normally hit the vending machine.

Then I had to go to a luncheon at the college. Then I had a dinner meeting tonight. At 12:00, success was looking pretty unlikely.

But, the luncheon included fresh cut fruit so I loaded a salad plate with that, not the pasta salad that I love and could have had. The next choice was between ham and cheese sandwiches and grilled chicken wraps. Both were halved. I went for the wrap and it was delicious. Crisis averted. But wait! For dessert: chocolate chip cookies--my favorite.

Normally I would have started with two, then grabbed one to go. Not today. Knowing I could not stop with one coookie, I went back for more fruit instead, skipping the cookies altogether. And guess what? I was satisfied! Completely. And not a little smug, if I do say so.

The dinner meeting included a great salad bar--good news for me. But, uh oh, the main course was baked beans and barbecue. This, however, is where my finicky stomach comes in handy. I could have eaten that food--but I would have been sick for two days. (Illness, I've found, can be a great deterent to bad choices.) So, I had a salad, a roll, and potatoes. Now the potatoes were a casserole, not really clean food, but with all the fruits and veggies I'd had today, I was in pretty good shape with my points. Crisis averted. But wait! For dessert: OMG! Ice cream sundaes--my favorite.

Normally I would have shoveled the ice cream in the bowl, squirted out more than my share of chocolate, and topped the whole concoction with a tower of whipped cream. But, tonight, I had a second salad. And guess what? That's right! I was satisfied. Amazing.

Facing tomorrow with hope that I will decrease,
Aileen

Challenges Met

Today was full of challenges but I got through pretty well. We went out to lunch at a place called Hibachi Grill. We have a similar place here in Asheville called Asiana. It's heaven. Absolutely Heaven. Every kind of oriental food you can imagine, along with a generous selection of American food and a great variety of deserts. And as if there weren't enough deserts, my mother-in-law brought along a birthday cake for Jay whose birthday is Friday. It was placed right in front of Jay and since we were sitting across from each other it was necessarily right in front of me. Fingers full of icing just waiting to be snatched.UGH!

I started by getting a plate full of mixed greens which I topped with green peppers and broccoli. I added a little cheese and a little honey mustard. Then I got steamed shrimp added them to my salad. In addition, I loaded up on fresh fruits. When cake time came, I was still working on the fruit. By the time I was ready for cake, everyone else was almost finished. So, I cut the tiniest piece I could--about three bites in all--and that was somehow satisfying. (probably because everyone was ready to go by then.)

Then tonight, we cooked pancakes and waffles for the youth at church. Instead of having a waffle, which I know has oil in it, I opted for the pancakes which are lower in fat. I had three--4.5 points--and syrup. It wound up being 9 points, but I had them to spend since I'd made good choices earlier.

What is amazing about conscious eating is how very satisfying it is. When I'm eating like a maniac, I never feel satisfied. I want more, more, more. But when I keep track, my daily points value is enough, or at least nearly enough. I always forget this and allow myself to slip back into the habit of mindless consumption, thinking that is the path to satisfaction. What a lie. It's that paradox: by choosing to control what I eat, I'm free to eat what I like. When I choose to allow my food choices to control me, I am in bondage to those choices, never able to satisfy the cravings.

I choose freedom. I choose to decrease,
Aileen
PS I did exercise yesterday! 1 hour brisk walking with my sister-in-law. Felt great!

A New Day

I made it through yesterday without going over my points and without going into flexpoints. Amazing! I got the water, fruits & veggies, and milks in too. I always struggle with the olive oil and the lean protein, but I'm pretty satisfied with yesterday over all. It's a huge accomplishment for me to stay within my points--well even to be cognizant of what is going into my mouth is a leap from the norm.

So far so good today. The goal for today is EXERCISE! That's one of the many keys to this journey, I know.

I must decrease,
Aileen

Gratification not so instant

I gotta say, I want instant results. I know, I've been eating right for like two days, so what should I expect, right? Well, I want to look in the mirror and see a beauty in the image of Twiggy that's what. (I never said I was rational.)

I'm just saying, if I skip a cookie, I want to lose a pound. And I want it to be one of those pounds whose absence will be missed, not one of those hidden ones that falls off out from under my armpit or something.

I know it's a journey. I know the benefits far outweight the reflection in the mirror and the measure on the scale. But I do want those instant results. I do.

In it for the long haul because, really, I Must Decrease,
Aileen

Signed up and Weighed in

I'm all signed up for www.weightwatchersonline.com. It's a good program. I just need to follow it.

I'm going to make Friday my official weigh-in day. I find that works best for me because then I have the week to correct any mistakes of the weekend. So I've weighed in this morning and I didn't like what I saw. I'm so tempted to connect my self-worth to the number on the scale. The higher the number, the more worthless the girl. I look at old pictures of myself and can't believe I've allowed this to happen. I want to quit before I start--worthless folk don't succeed anyway.

Instead I walked away from that number telling myself that everyone has their struggles. This is mine. And that makes me neither good nor bad unless I allow it to define me. I choose today to see myself through Debbie's eyes. Through Traci's. Through my sister's. Through Mother's. I've never heard one of them say, "Ya know, I'd love you Aileen, but you're just so fat." They tell me they value me for who I am, and they never qualify that in any way by my weight. I'm going to try to think like they do today.

The mirror tells me those dear ones are lying. The scale laughs in their faces. But I know the truth: it is the mirror and the scale that deceive me.

I Must Decrease,
Aileen

One more thing: my goal today is to stay within the WW points value and to drink more water.

Followers? Following.

I suppose I've gotten a case of the big head right along with getting a bigger self. I really expected to have more followers (Not that I don't LOVE you two 'cuz I do). But folk act like they crazy 'bout my writing so I guess I thought I'd have at least 5-10 folk make the leap over to here. Pride, as they say. . . But, it's only day two, right?

I did not exercise today but I did eat right and I did drink more water. Plus, I got in more fruits and veggies. So, a good day overall.

Wondering about the name for the blog? Check out John 3:30:

"He must increase, but I must decrease."(NASB)

I really must decrease. And Christ must increase in me: That people would look at me and see Christ. That Christ in me would grow so that people could no longer see me. I must decrease my weight. But oh how I long to decrease not just the weight but the flesh as well. And as the flesh decreases, that the Christ who lives within me would fill to overflowing the void.

On to Blog day 3.

Points not Optional Calories, etc.

Back in 1989 when I joined Wt Watchers for the first time, there was no such thing as POINTS. We had selections and optional calories. For breakfast, I ate an English muffin or a bagel with an egg and cheese. That equaled 2 bread selections, 1 protein and 1 dairy. It was a good way to start the day. I was pretty successful back then when I was, let's see, 12 or something, and so I thought I'd start the day similarly today.

High fiber, high protein English muffin--2 points
1 egg + 1 egg white--2 points
Just a bit of shredded cheese--about a half a point.
So, let's just say 5 points for breakfast. A good start.

Yesterday, I didn't drink nearly enough water. Gotta fix that today. And I'm going to be tempted to avoid exercise because my workout partner is unavailable. So I'm going to view exercise as an opportunity to get some reading/listening done. I can read on the treadmill at the Y. I can also study Hebrew while I lift weights. It's going to be hard to make myself go when there is no real live accountability though.

Blog day 2. Here we go.

Getting started

I've been saying it at least since June but really since 2005: "I've got to lose some weight." Only now I'm saying it like this: "I've got to lose some weight because I'm fatter than I've ever been."

So here's what I'm going to do.

• I'm going to join http://www.weightwatchersonline.com/ because they are the best and I know it will work if I follow the guidelines.
• I'm stepping up my work-outs.
• I'm signing up for a 5K
• I'm starting this blog so I'll have accountability.

Come on the journey with me. I'll not be promoting this blog like I do my others www.aileenonline.com/b2, so if you like it, sign up for updates. If you think someone else will like it, invite them to follow along.

And it will be a journey. I need to lose 40 pounds. At a pound a week, give or take Thanksgiving & Christmas, it should take a year. Might as well get started.