She Meant Well, Bless Her Heart

It’s been nearly six years ago, but I remember it painfully well.

“I know you,” she said turning to face me, her head cocked to one side. We were standing side by side at the mirror in the YMCA locker room drying our hair. “Didn’t you used to be really skinny?”

Now just how am I supposed to answer that? A part of me wants to say, “Why, yes. I’m a recovering anorexic. How do you like my new voluptuous figure?” Or “I was skinny for a time, but I think that was just the chemo.”

The bigger (well less skinny) part of me wants to start explaining. “Yeah, I used to be a size ‘skin and bones’ but then my husband went to Iraq and I made some bad choices and then when he came back I had some health issues that took precedence but now I’m really trying I mean I exercise all the time and I eat right most of the time and I always drink lots of water and . . . blah blah blah blah listen to my business blah blah blah.”

But all of me wants to scream at her, “Don’t you think I know that? Don’t you think I say that to myself every single time I see myself in the mirror? Don’t you know?”

The truth is, though, she really doesn’t. She is actually not ruled by her weight. And she really didn’t know that her words cut right into the most vulnerable places in my soul. Sure, she didn’t think before she spoke. Sure, she said something most people would consider either nosy or flat out rude. But she wasn’t trying to cut my heart out. She was just trying to figure out if I was the person she thought I was. That really is all. And maybe, just maybe, she left there thinking, “I cannot believe I just said that to her. What is wrong with me? I never think before I speak. I never say the right thing. I’m such a loser.”

I’m just saying, we don’t have to bare our souls when our feelings get hurt, and we don’t have to snap back in anger either. We could say to ourselves, “Wow, that person just said something that hurt me. Ouch. I think I’ll move on now and not carry this hurt with me. Besides, she probably wasn’t trying to hurt me. She just made a mistake.”

I make mistakes all the time. I figure I can give a little grace to others when they mess up. At least that way, I decrease my self-loathing and increase my capacity to forgive.

Increasing Awareness, Decreasing Judgment,
Aileen

Tracked

Want to know what amazes me? It amazes me how quickly one can get back on track if one puts in just minimal effort.

Today I made right choices. Nothing huge, just didn’t overeat like a crazy woman, increased my water intake, and recorded my selections. And after just one day, I feel better. I feel more in control, less hopeless.

Focus: easy to lose, hard to get back. But it’s a choice, isn’t it? I chose to focus today. And because I did, I have hope for tomorrow.

Increasing right choices,
Aileen

Confessions of a Disgusted Dieter.

It's embarrassing. I do so well for so long and then I so totally blow it. I'm disgusted with myself. And the truth is I'm definitely not back on track yet.

I am exercising. I'm doing that right. I'm drinking water, too. So that's two things. But I'm eating like a fool, a complete and utter fool.

And when I do this, I start looking at radical solutions: the diet pills, the fat wraps, the extreme food plans. It's crazy. I don't actually give in to the "get thin quick" schemes. I know they are lying. I just like to listen every now and then and to allow myself to believe the hype. It's a lovely fantasy: take this pill, be thin tomorrow. I grown faint from the attraction of it.

But WHAT a waste of emotional energy. I could just eat right. Then I could have real results rather than the fantasy figure I've been swooning over in the diet foods aisle.

At times like these, I forget that I'm most free when I am in control. I forget that I feel most content when I am not satiated. I forget all that and I fall back into the familiar habits that got me here in the first place.

Disgusting.

So, no promises. Tomorrow is a new day. Maybe I'll do one additional thing right. We'll see.

Knowing I must decrease, fighting the urge to increase,
Aileen